Oh, the MarySueNess
by madwriter223
Summary: The most horrible has happened - there was a Sue in Mordland. What to do with someone so fine, and grand? Try to get rid of her, you say? Okay, we'll try. Written for the Mery-Sue Must Die contest on MordHaus. It won, btw. Humor, Death, Blood


**Oh, the Mary-Sue-ness**

She had appeared out of nowhere. She was beautiful, with green eyes that sparkled like precious gems. Long flowing black hair, curling at the ends like a billowy cloud on the sky, and just as soft. Her frame was lean and tall, like a finely sculptured tree. He moved with the grace of a feline or a queen, always having an air of self-confidence and kindness around her. She was multi-talented – she could dance like a champion, play the guitar, piano, drums, cello and violin as if with many years of experience backing up her hands, spoke six languages fluently and learned new ones with the ease of a genius. She possessed the voice of an angel when she sung, new songs coming to her mind like a mist of inspiration. And if she was lacking in a paper and pen to write on, the lyrics would never be lost thanks for her photographic memory. She had the disposition of a saint, kind and helpful to any and everyone she met, making friends for life in a matter of moments. She was gifted with a certain level of emphatic abilities, always knowing when someone was feeling down and knowing exactly what to do to cheer him or her up.

At the same time, she had lived a sad past – her parents died in a freak tomato-soup incident when she was but a toddler, leaving her virtually alone in the world, and the person who cared for her was paralyzed from the toes up. She needed to take care of him for most of her childhood, and he died on her arms when she was just entering adolescence. She had to rely on herself for a couple of years, before a child-less marriage took pity on her plight and took her in. There she had truly flourished, and became what she was now.

She was the ultimate woman. The perfect woman. The woman every man would fall in love with deep and hard, then bring her home to meet the parents. They would of course love her immediately.

It will probably come as no surprise to learn the members of Dethklok tried to stay the fuck away from her.

However, it was not that simple.

She arrived in Mordhaus a couple of weeks before, claiming to be a long lost relative of Nathan Explosion. A simple DNA test confirmed her claim, as well as revealed that she was a step-sister to Skwisgaar and a cousin to Pickles, as well as a long forgotten childhood friend of Toki. Their doctor wasn't sure how the Hell a DNA test could reveal all that, but it did. It appeared she was just that _special_.

Even before the test results, she was impossible to get rid off. All the roadies that attempted to get rid of her fell in love (or lust) before they could kick her outside, the boys didn't want to come near her because she creeped them out, and the CFO started locking his office on steel-enforced bolts after she had done his months work in a single day – with nothing to do but try to keep the band out of trouble, Charles was close to pulling a multiple-murder-single-suicide on the asses of all present.

When the time for their newest (and very hastily arranged) tour came, everyone had been relieved to go. Unfortunately, young, beautiful Athena had followed them, trying continuously to get them to accept her into their tight circle, at the same time attempting to get them to agree for her to join the band. With her voice and multiple musical talents, she would surely be an asset to be had and cherished.

Long story short, this was the reason the band + one manager were hiding in the dressing room while Athena the Wonder Woman prowled the corridor outside.

"We has to dos somet'ing!" Toki cried, curled in a tight ball on a sofa, Deddy-bear pressed tightly to his chest.

"We could send someone to get her to go away." Pickles muttered, cowering by the door and preparing to bolt as soon as it opened.

"We alreadys sent roadies. Number 187 and 269, I t'ink." Skwisgaar called over his shoulder, his upper body leaning out the window, judging his possibilities of survival were he to jump out.

"Yes, we did, Toki." Charles busily glared at a wall.

"Ands?"

"And one of them quit to become a professional poet and spend the rest of his life writing opuses to celebrate the birth and tragic life of one Athena Explosion-Skwigelf-Pickles."

"What about the, uh, other."

"Well, apparently Athena told 187 that they couldn't possibly be together because she respected him too much to saddle him with someone of her past, and in addition she feared it could destroy band relations if she decided to betray the trust and long-forgotten promise of marriage she had made with a three-year-old Toki, so she hoped they could just be friends. So he killed himself in a fit of jealous anger towards her kind and loyal heart by jumping out the window."

Skwisgaar glanced at the CFO. "He jumpeds here?"

"Yes, yes, he did."

"And dieds?"

"Yes."

The blond turned back to contemplating jumping out.

"I nots wants to be marrieds to her!!" Toki yelled, then burst in a jumble of Scandinavian even Skwisgaar couldn't understand and tears.

"I'm sure you would be very happy with her." Like any male on this planet would dare _not_ to be.

"I nots wants to be happys wit' her! I wants Skwisgaar to fucks my brain outs ev'ry nights!"

"Ja, Is wantings dat too."

"Yes, well." Charles pinched the bridge of his nose. "To do that, we must first try to get rid of the [censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored], coated in [censored censored censored **guitar riff** censored] sauce."

The band stared at him.

"What?"

"Good song title."

"Thank you."

"Doods. That's cool and all, but _**focus**_! What do we do about _her_?"

"I'll have you know I've tried everything. Unfortunately she is a part of your family."

"What you mean?"

"She's immune to every poison I had Jean-Pierre slip her, as well as the Ebola Virus."

"You gave her Ebola?"

"I _tried_ to give her Ebola. I also tried to shoot her in the head."

"And what happened?"

"I learned that she had been experimented on as a child in a secret government facility, which gave her the reflexes of a squirrel on speed. She ducked, then kindly returned the bullet to me, after she rebuilt the shell, of course."

"Right..."

"I hates her."

Charles harrumphed in frustration, and allowed Nathan to pull him close for some hug therapy.

Pickles was close to screaming in frustration. "Doods! We gotta think of something!" He stalked to the center of the room, and swept his gaze over all present. "If we don't, she gonna eventually join the band, have all of us fall in love with her, even despite the possibility of questionable incest, marry Toki, redecorate our home, and we'll end up having to retire early because she _will_ turn out to be a five-member-band-in-one and we'll have to live our lives in sunshine and happy, gushy memories of raising her and Toki's kids! And we'll be _overjoyed_," The word was snarled. "to be the responsible uncles to boot, I just know we will!"

"Well, what do you suppose we do? She's immune to everything, she can't be shot, anyone who tries to main her ends up serenading or proclaiming undying love to her, and her mere presence stops freak-accidents from happening."

All was quiet as the six thought.

"I t'inks I gots it."

"Well."

"Well, she beautys, smarts, talensteds, and refineds, ja?"

"Yeah?"

"What opposites of dat?"

Five people turned to Murderface.

The bassist frowned. "What?"

Charles was the first to step forward. "William, would you do us a favor and go talk to Athena for us?"

"No way!"

"Please? It would only be for a moment. All you have to do is talk to her for a few moments, just tell her about yourself."

"I'm too shshy." The bassist murmured, looking away while flushing in embarrassment.

Further ass-kissing was in order here.

"Please, Moidehface?"

"Ja, we dos anyt'ings for yous."

"We'll even help with Planet Piss, dood. And we won't take any credit."

"Yeah, I'll even let you have the [censored censored censored **guitar riff** censored] Sauce song."

"I don't know." Murderface shrugged.

"Please?" A chorus of five, and the bassist finally nodded.

"Okay. But what am I shupposshed to shay?"

"Just, try to charm her. Tell her about yourself, and try to ask her on a date." Charles said, pulling the other to his feet and towards the door with a gentle but firm hand. "Make sure to use a lot of words with 's' and 'th'."

Nathan unbarricaded, unlocked, unbolted and unchained the door, then promptly pushed the bassist outside in all his BO glory, slamming it behind him.

"William, hello!" Athena called, waving a graceful hand and flicking an unruly yet adorable lock of hair over her shoulder. "How are you on this beautiful day?"

"Well..." The bassist blushed in sudden and uncharacteristic shyness, then steeled his resolve. The guys were depending on him. He lifted his head, facing the young goddess-sent-to-walk-the-earth and grinned, revealing the Gap and unwashed teeth. "I jusht thought I'd talk to you, get to know a shpecial kinda girl like you. We never really had shome time alone, jusht the two of ush, before. And shince you're shuch a shweety, I thought you'd like to hear a little about shuch an aweshome basshisht like yoursh truly."

She blinked, then lifted her hand to wipe away the spittle from her face, her tiny button nose wrinkling at the smell of long-unwashed musician. "I'd love to, William. You're right, I've been so busy trying to relive past memories with Toki, cure cancer, write songs, and solve world hunger that we didn't spend too much time with each other."

"Yeah. We could talk now. But firsht, would you exhcushe me while I take my boots off? They're awfully tight."

"Go right ahead."

Soon, green rivulets of pure-hair-removing stink were treading the air around them. "Much better."

It took all of her outstanding will-power not to physically wilt at the smell. "Indeed."

"Well, anyway, when I wash a little boy..." And here came a very lengthy monologue on the topic of Murderface. The bassist talked about his childhood, the beginning of his carrier, his likes and dislikes, favorite movies, and a great deal of bragging about things he shouldn't take credit for. The musician found that opening himself to the girl was quite a pleasurable experience.

Athena, on the other hand, was subjected to a rain of spittle raining on her face, the stink of sweat, feet and month-long-bad-breath. She listened to exaggerated tales, witnessed places being scratched that should never be scratched in public or private, and been forced to examine the callouses on the famous bass playing one-eyed-snake.

Half an hour later, it proved too much for even her patience.

"SHUT UP!!" She screamed suddenly, green eyes glowing with anger never witnessed, face twisting into an ugly yet wholly desirable expression. "Just SHUT UP, you horrid excuse of a man! You stink worse than a shit-load of manure after being left in the sun for three days, the paint on the walls should be chipping by now! To talk with you one should wear a _raincoat_, and have an floatable anti drowning device on hand! You're the most pathetic creature the Devil had the misfortune of _farting_ into existence, and you sicken me!"

Murderface blinked. "You're not that nishe after all." He muttered dejectedly.

Athena blinked, just now realising what she had said. "You're right. You're right. And I'm not sorry. Oh dear God in Heaven, my _Mary-Sue-ness_!! It's _gone_! My Mary-Sue-ness, oh God, oh God, I'm as horrid as every other lowly jackass on this planet." Her perfect mouth fell open at what she had just said. Her eyes widened in horror, and she grabbed her hair, pulling and ripping chucks of it off. "NOOOOO!!!! No, this cannot happen to me!" She started jumping in place, shaking her hands in terror. "Oh, God, oh God, oh God, my Mary-Sue-ness, oh no, oh no!!"

She suddenly stopped, stared into space for a single long moment, then screamed as loud as she could, taking off down the long corridor as fast as her perfect long legs could carry her, all the while bemoaning the loss of her precious yet difficult to posses gift.

Upon reaching the end of the hall, her horrid-realisation-she's-not-so-perfect-after-all-riddled being not making the turn in time. She smacked face first into a wall, her head making a spectacular _splat_, the blood stains forming a modern-version of Mona Lisa by DaVinci. Her body slowly and gracefully slid to the ground, the final death-twitches of her body making her look as if she was lost in an ethereal dance.

Murderface watched her till she stilled, then calmly put his boots back on, and popped a mint into his mouth. He may be stupid, but he knew full well this had been the desired result of him being pushed to meet Athena. Good thing his seer-abilities had warned him of the arrival of his long-lost-childhood rival, and he had taken the liberty of not visiting the bathroom for over a month.

And William Murderface, the ugly-black-sheep-thrice-removed cousin of Gary Stu, knocked on the door and called to his band members. "Hey, guysh, it worked!"


End file.
